Relationships - Advice & Insights for a Stronger Bond

Having sex for the first time can be a little nerve-racking. Given that there are lots of myths and misconceptions about “lesbian sex,” it’s important to educate yourself about how sex can work.

How Do Lesbians Have Sex? Things to Know Before Your First Time

Let's first discuss the meaning of the phrase before moving on to the topic of lesbian sex.

The word "lesbian sex" is typically used to refer to sexual relations between two women. In that scenario, keep in mind that those ladies may not identify as "lesbians."

They might be heterosexual, gay, bisexual, or pansexual, for instance. Lesbians are not the only women who have sex.

Additionally, keep in mind that "lesbian sex" isn't just for cisgender couples.

It also includes individuals with penises, intersex genitalia, and other vaginal anatomy.

Lesbian sex is defined for the sake of this article as any sexual activity between people who identify as women, whether or not they are exclusively homosexual. The sexuality you choose to explore is ultimately your own, not a subject to anyone else’s approval.

Thus, what constitutes "lesbian sex" is really up to the individual engaging in it. You can define sex whatever you'd like—broadly or narrowly!

You shouldn't trust everything you've heard.

There are many untruths regarding lesbian relationships. These are a handful:

Someone has to be “the man” in the scenario. Some people believe that one partner does all the penetration while the other does all the receiving. This is the dynamic for some couples, but not all — and remember, penetrating doesn’t make you a “man.”

Given that you are both female, it is simpler. Keep in mind that just because two people are female does not guarantee that their genitalia are the same. For instance, one may be a transgender woman with a penis, while the other may be a cis woman with a vagina. Everybody's body is different, even if you do share the same genitalia. Something enjoyable to one spouse may be dull to the other.

You have to use a strap-on. Strap-ons are sex toys that are often penis-like in shape. They attach to one partner’s pelvis using a harness or underwear-like attachment. They can be used to penetrate the vagina or anus. While these can be enjoyable, they’re not a must-have. Whether you use one is up to you.

You have to scissor. Scissoring is when two people with vaginas open their legs and rub their vulvas together. While some people enjoy this, it’s a huge myth that all lesbians do this. Many people find it impractical and unpleasable.
Orgasm is the end goal. Most people think that sex ends when one or both partners orgasm. This doesn’t have to be the case. Sex can be pleasurable without orgasming, and it’s totally fine to stop having sex without one or both of you orgasming.
You don’t need to worry about STIs or pregnancy. It’s possible to get pregnant if one partner has a penis and another has a vagina. It’s also possible to spread STIs from one person to another, no matter what their genitals are.

If you haven’t already, get familiar with your own anatomy, masturbating can help you relax and figure out what feels good to you.

You may find that touching yourself in certain places and with certain motions feels pleasurable. This can help you tell your partner what you enjoy.

And if your partner has the same anatomy as you, masturbating may help you navigate their anatomy better. It may also give you a good idea of what they might enjoy.

That said, remember that everyone is different. What might be pleasurable for one person might not be pleasurable for the next.

Be prepared to communicate with your partner

Asking for consent is crucial.

Even if your partner has already said that they want to have sex, it’s important to check in before the time comes.

Remember that they have the right to withdraw consent during sex, as do you.

If you’re nervous, talk to your partner about it. Share that you haven’t had sex before, or that you haven’t done certain sexual activities.

Ask them what they enjoy doing or what they’d like to try, or share ideas of your own.

Not sure what to say? Here are some phrases you can use before or during sex:

Can I kiss you?
Can we do [sexual activity]?
Can I take your clothes off?
Would you like to have sex?
I’d like to do [sexual activity]. What do you think?
Are you enjoying yourself?
Should I stop?
Are you comfortable with this?
You should never make assumptions about what your partner does or doesn’t want.

Always check in with them and ask what they’d like before taking it to the next level.

What to expect from breast and nipple play

Remember that some people have sensitive nipples, so be gentle and ask your partner how much pressure they’d like you to apply.

Breast and nipple play could include:

rubbing nipples between your forefingers
gently pulling nipples
licking, sucking, or kissing nipples or breasts
using sex toys on nipples, such as nipple clamps, or using a vibrator or feather tickler on nipples
using ice blocks or tingling lube on nipples to produce interesting sensations

What to expect from manual genital or anal stimulation

Manual stimulation is about using your hands to pleasure your partner. Experiment with different motions, different kinds of pressure, and different speeds.

If your partner has a vulva, depending on their anatomy and personal preferences, you could try things such as:

rubbing their clitoris by trying circular and up-down motions at various speeds and pressures
using a finger to find their G-spot, a rough patch of tissue in the vaginal wall
lightly touching the area around their clitoris or vagina in a teasing motion
touching the skin just outside of their anus
penetrating their anus with your fingers
If your partner has a penis

There are many ways to manually stimulate someone who has a penis. Some ideas include:

performing a hand job by holding their penis firmly and gliding your hand up and down; ask your partner which speed and pressure they’d prefer
gently rubbing or massaging the head of their penis
touching and rubbing their scrotum and perineum, which is the area between the scrotum and anus
touching the skin just outside of their anus
penetrating their anus with your fingers
What to expect from oral genital or anal stimulation
Oral stimulation is exactly what it sounds like — using your mouth and tongue to pleasure your partner.

If your partner has a vulva you can kiss, lick, or suck the:

clitoris
area around the clitoris or vagina
vaginal opening
inner thighs
anus
If your partner has a penis
You could kiss, lick, or suck the:

penis
scrotum and perineum
inner thighs
anus
What to expect from fingering, fisting, and other penetration
Penetration is often associated with penises, but you can penetrate the vagina or anus with a range of different things, such as your fingers, your fist, or a sex toy.

Vaginal

Remember that penis-in-vagina sex can lead to pregnancy, so talk to your partner about birth control options.

You can try:

penis-in-vagina sex
fingering the vagina
fisting the vagina
inserting a dildo or vibrator

Anal

If you’re going to have anal sex, you need a little more preparation.

The anus doesn’t produce its own natural lubrication, so using lube is very important.

Go gently, as the lining of the anus walls are thinner than that of the vagina.

You can try:

penis-in-anus sex
fingering the anus
fisting the anus
inserting a dildo or vibrator
using an anal plug or other toy designed specifically for the anus
Positions to try

There are probably hundreds of different sex positions out there, but now isn’t the time to try your hand at erotic gymnastics.

Start with the tried-and-true moves below and go from there.

For oral or manual sex, try lying down with your legs open lie on your back with your legs open. You can bend your knees if that’s more comfortable.

Your partner can then lie on their stomach between your legs.

For penis-in-vagina sex, missionary usually works Missionary has a reputation for being boring — but it doesn’t have to be!

In this position, the person with the vagina lies on their back. The person with the penis lies face-down on top of them and inserts their penis into their vagina.

If you want, you can prop a pillow underneath your pelvis to raise it. This can improve the angle, making it more pleasurable for both of you.

For penetrative anal sex, doggy-style is often comfortable to do this, the person who is being penetrated gets on all fours, with their knees apart.

They can put their head down on their forearms or straighten their forearms and keep their back flat-ish.

The giver can then kneel behind them and penetrate their anus with their fingers, penis, or sex toy.

You can also try this position for oral stimulation of the anus.

Remember, many sex acts can transmit an STI according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 1 in 5 Americans have a sexually transmitted infection (STI).

Your individual STI risk depends on a range of factors, including:

what sexual activities you’re doing
both you and your partner’s sexual history
whether you use condoms or other barrier methods
Remember, you can contract an STI regardless of you or your partner’s anatomy.

Pregnancy may also be possible

Often, people assume that lesbians can’t get pregnant, or that lesbian sex can’t result in pregnancy. That’s a myth based on the assumption that both women are cisgender.

If one partner is transgender and has a penis and the other is cisgender and has a vagina, they can have penis-in-vagina sex.

In many cases, this means that pregnancy is possible.

If you want to avoid pregnancy, talk to your partner about birth control.

This may include a combination of hormonal contraception, like the pill, and condoms.

How to practice safer sex

Here are a few ways to reduce your risk of STIs and other infections:

Dental dams. Use these if you’re performing oral sex, either on the vagina or the anus.

External condoms. You can use these for penis-in-vagina sex, penis-in-anus sex, or oral sex on penises.

Internal condoms. You can use these for penis-in-vagina sex or penis-in-anus sex.

Gloves or finger cots. These can protect you during manual-genital stimulation, such as fingering, hand jobs, and clitoral stimulation. They may feel more comfortable when used with lube.

Hand washing. Hand hygiene is crucial when it comes to fingering, clitoral stimulation, and hand jobs. Prior to sharing, always wash your hands to prevent the spread of germs. Additionally, if you intend to pierce someone with your fingers, you should keep your nails short. This lessens the chance of cuts and rips, which can hurt and get infected. Rubber gloves can also be used to offer a different feeling by inserting cotton balls inside.

Apply lubricant. Because it reduces the possibility of ripping and irritation inside the vagina or anus, lube is excellent for penetrative sex of all kinds. Since the anus does not produce its own lubricant like the vagina does, it is particularly crucial for anal intercourse.

Keep all toys clean. Sex toys can transfer infections from one person to another, so clean sex toys thoroughly in between use. You may also consider putting a condom on dildos and other penetrative toys before use — this can make it easier to clean, as well as offer a different sensation.

Get tested regularly. Whether you have a consistent partner or have more sporadic sex, getting tested is important. Your doctor or other healthcare provider can advise you on how frequently to test and what to test for.

The bottom line

While the thought of having sex for the first time can be overwhelming, the good news is that there’s lots of information out there to help you on your way.

The better news is that sex is a skill — and you’ll get better at it the more you practice!