Relationships - Advice & Insights for a Stronger Bond

We talked to top sex experts and therapists for the sex questions they encourage people to ask their partners. Here are their top prompts to consider when communicating sexual desires

The 15 Sex Questions That Experts Suggest You Ask Your Significant Other

Sex Questions To Get To Know Your Partner Better

Whether you're starting a new relationship or are looking to better your understanding of your partner, these sex questions below will help you and your partner open up.

1. How and what did you learn about sex growing up?

It can feel really uncomfortable to share your deepest sexual desires. After all, some people's feelings could be rooted in shame or guilt. Understanding where someone is coming from can help you make sense of their preferences, behaviors and desires.

This is a good question to ask because it can give you an idea about their feelings, attitude and knowledge about sex in general. It gives you a starting point for being able to address things with them to have a more fulfilling experience.

2. How do you feel most comfortable telling me what you want?

When we talk about unlearning shame, this question is foundational in creating a safe space for both partners to communicate.
Pretty much all of us want to be able to tell our partners what we enjoy in bed. But in reality, most of us feel self-conscious or just have a hard time speaking up in the moment. This question can help conversations flow more easily by getting to the 'how' of communication.

3. Where do you like and not like to be touched?

When you're with a new partner, you don't yet know what turns the other person on—or off. It's sometimes best to start with the basics. Consider asking the above question, as well as whether or not someone has touch triggers that make them uncomfortable.

4. What do you tend to do when you masturbate?

Your partner may opt to keep their solo sex life private, but if they're open to sharing, this is a great alternative to 'What do you like in bed?' After all, we tend to touch ourselves in the ways that get us to climax the quickest.

For those with vulvas, are they inserting anything into their vaginas or opting for external touch only? Are they using any toys that can be incorporated into your partnered sex life? For those with penises, what kind of motion and friction works best for them?"

5. What time of day do you like to have sex?

Some people swear by morning sex, others only want sex before bed. "Getting clear on this with your partner will set you up for success in terms of initiating," she says. "And it will give you insight into how things like stress or fatigue impact their libido."

6. What kind of erotica do you love?

It's true that many people like to read, watch or listen to erotica that they have no interest in trying in real life. But sharing that fantasy can be sexy in and of itself—and there may be pieces of it that you can incorporate into your own sex life. Think of it as creative inspiration for ways you may want to play.

7. What have you learned about your body in the last three years that could make our sex life more fun?

This question is a twofer. For one, it relays that the body is constantly changing and our desires and what works for us also changes with it. Second, it keeps your sex life from being in a constant state of stagnation. If you are relaying what you have learned about your body and changes that may need to be incorporated, it makes your sex life a changeable, growable, flexible thing.

8. In what context do you feel the sexiest?

Feeling sexy isn't just about how we look. It's also about our environment. Being honest about when you feel sexiest can help your partner understand your turn-ons and turn-offs.

For some people, feeling sexy and desirous may have nothing at all to do with their appearance and everything to do with what's going on around them. Your sexy context might mean lit candles and fresh sheets on the bed. Your partner might mean that the kids are out of the house for the night, so they don't need to stress about getting interrupted. Figure out what works for each of you, and create a context that's mutually pleasurable.

9. Have you had any past experiences that have negatively impacted you that you think I should know about?

Many people have had unwanted sexual experiences which can impact how they show up sexually in their current relationships. Having these conversations can create more safety and trust in the relationship.

Sex Questions For Trying New Things

When it comes to sex, communication is always vital—especially when trying new things is on the table.

10. What would you like to try sexually if there were no consequences or guilt?

This question can feel nerve-wracking to answer with both a new partner and someone you've been sleeping with for decades. For many of us, it can feel uncomfortable to fully and explicitly verbalize our most intimate desires, especially if we perceive them as less common fetishes or perhaps a favorite position we don't know if our partner will be open to.

11. What's one thing you've never done that you'd like to try?

There's a specific tool for couples to help them open up about what they might like to try in the bedroom - their 'yes, no, maybe list. The 'yes' list has things that you enjoy doing and want to continue. Your 'no' list are things that are off-limits, and the 'maybe' list has things that you are open to trying."

Your list may include sexual experiences you've had and want to have again, or things you haven't yet tried. Some ideas to get your bucket list started include anal play, dirty talk, experimenting with sex toys, mutual masturbation and taking nude photos.

12. It might be really hot if we tried [insert sexual interest]. Would you be open to that?

This is a great way of gauging your partner's openness to trying something specific. You're asking for permission and feedback from your partner, with the understanding that your partner has a right to say no.

13. What's a fantasy you would like to try with me?

This question acknowledges that we have sexual fantasies, but it also gives permission for the fantasy to be discussed and shows a willingness to explore and possibly make that fantasy into a reality.

If your significant other shares something you aren't comfortable with—now or ever—remember that you can say no while still being respectful of their opening up to you. Sexual intimacy is just as much about respecting boundaries as it is about good foreplay and steamy sex.

14. Would you like to go sex toy shopping with me?

Whether you're sex toy shopping online or in person, try exploring vibrators and sex aids and accessories together. It may be hard to pull new things to try out of your imagination, but seeing things in person like a sleek vibe or padded handcuffs may be the perfect inspiration.

15. When has sex between us been most enjoyable for you?

Maybe it has something to do with a particular position or sexual act, or perhaps it was the context or emotional connection. Having a dialogue about what has been especially positive in your sexual relationship can potentially help you to replicate or enhance what has worked well in the past.